Friday, May 11, 2012

I Think I’m Missing Something

The soap is getting smaller.
I don’t mean while I’m using it smaller.
I mean out of the wrapper smaller.
It doesn’t even fill out the whole wrapper any more.
Like it went on a diet or something and now its clothes don’t fit.
The tuna is smaller too. 
Along with the can, though.
The tuna knew enough to go out and get a new wardrobe.
Not like the soap.
The box of brownie mix is smaller.
Even has new baking instructions…that includes a smaller pan.
But they take longer to bake….
Go figure.
The box of cookies is smaller.
So is the carton of ice cream.
The crackers too.
Quart of milk…smaller...don’t know how, but it is.
The Gallon too.
And other such sundry items.
Everything is getting smaller, except the prices.
The prices stay the same.
Well, not everything is getting smaller.
Some things are actually getting bigger…like my feet, which is weird.
The big soda bottle actually got bigger too.
Once it was a half-gallon.
Now it’s two liters…which is more…I think.
But a 12 pack has turned into an 8 pack.
Some candy bars are bigger…but they cost more too.
My phone got bigger…then smaller…then bigger again.
So did my ego, and now it took off with the cute ego next door and I haven’t seen it for a while.
I’m hoping it brings back souvenirs, or at least some taffy.
But I’m not holding my breath.
I know better than to count on my ego.
Sometimes if you buy something you can get 10%, 20% even 30% more of whatever it is.
Not sure why.
But it makes me nervous.
I don’t know if more is good.
I mean why wasn’t what it was enough in the first place.
Why do I need more?
And who decided what was “enough” in the first place?
And what about” New Improved”.
Or “Better tasting”?
What’s that supposed to mean…?
They knew it sucked before, but they sold it to us anyway?
How about “Original”?
Are there unoriginal versions?
Did the revised version not pan out?
Same with “Traditional”.
How about that?
What’s the difference between “Less Fat and Low Fat”?

How will I not get fat if I don’t know that…about the fat…said the cat…in the hat.
Has some one checked to see if the Half & Half really is?
And what if you only need a half of Half & Half?
What then?
But take it from me…don’t try to figure these things out.
You’ll only end up with more confusion in your life.
Not to mention peculiar looks.
Like with double coupons….
And double double coupons….
Does that mean a dollar coupon is worth 4 dollars or 8?
How come only some things are “On Sale”?
Does that mean you can’t buy the other things?
Or are they free?
Why are they “NOW” giving me 8 pairs of underpants instead of 6?
Is there something wrong with them?
How does a single underpant become a pair, in the first place?
And how can there be such a thing as a boxer brief?
And why are they brief in the first place?
Shouldn’t they last longer…?
I think I’m missing something…..


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  1. Please, please, please audition for Andy Rooney's job on 60 Minutes! You would be super, and I'd bet my Bippy that you are a heckofalot more handsome than Andy.

    1. Hey, Thanks! Call CBS….I’m starting to develop the right eyebrows for the job.

      Actually, Andy was a good looking guy, especially in his younger years. I’m just hoping I can get out of bed when I’m 90.

      And be careful where you bet your bippy. You could end up like Judy Carne… although I bet you can bring the bikini body paintlook back!

  2. Apparently ones nose and ears get bigger along with sounds and aroma's. By the way, what is a 'Bippy' ? Is it very valuable? Should one gamble with one's Bippy?

    1. Bibbys were very big in the late 60s-early 70s. Not so much anymore. However if one should come upon such an item, one should hold on to it very tightly, and keep it away f rom two....,


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