I was out in the garage this weekend, still untangling Christmas lights, when I happened to glance up at my Mayan Calendar—you know…the one I’ve got hanging on the wall, next to the weed wacker—and guess what I noticed?
It was down to it’s last page!
I was like...“Huh…whaaaaaaaaat?”
The last page?
How is that even possible?
I mean I’ve had this calendar for as long as I can remember.
At a least a few thousand years.
I picked it up on that excursion to Maya I made with my best friend at the time, Herpididdies.
And now it’s down to its last page.
That can’t be good.
I mean I’ve heard the whispers for years—a couple of Millennia now, at least.
12/21/12…the end of days…again.
Like we didn’t just go through all of that last year?
It took me months to pay off my credit card after that fiasco.
And now here we go again.
So don’t blame me if I’m a little more skeptical this time.
In fact, I'd be surprised if there weren’t a bunch of new Mayan Calendar stores popping up in malls, right this second, all over the world.
And just by way of a little Mayan shopping tip…wait until after the 21st, and everything in stock will be half price for the next half dozen millennia.
The thing is, if the world is going to end on the 21st, I’d kinda like to know exactly what time, because that’s right around when we traditionally host our annual Christmas party and, if that’s the case, I’d like to be a bit more particular in whom I invite this year,.
I mean who wants to go out listening to a bunch a crap about annuities and tax shelters.
And I guess there’s no reason not to go with the extra jumbo shrimp this year.
Hell…I might as well spring for the lobster tails too.
But there I go, getting all carried away again…just like last year.
It was hard to return that llama.
Besides the ridiculous re-stocking fee, who knew lamas were so lovable.
Apparently there are several doomsday scenarios that are in play.
One involves this massive galactic planetary alignment, wherein the planets will form some sort of Radio City Rockette kick line, which may or may not lead to some sort of a geomagnetic reversal, whereupon we’ll all be turned upside down, or at least our toilets will flush in reverse.
Then there’s the planet Nibiru theory, which foretells of some sort of giant planetary collision…and believe me, you don’t want to know what the deductible is on that kind of disaster.
Of course, some folks also believe that a cosmic, interstellar portal will mysteriously rip through the fabric of time and space to usher us all away into the Fifth Dimension …presumably in a beautiful balloon.
All good theories, I suppose.
And even if we did know precisely what scenario was going down, there’s really nothing we could do about it.
Just another brick in the load.
But I was thinking—
Hey…wait a minute, what’s this?
You know I’ve never looked at my Mayan calendar this closely before.
This thing has a whole other side to it on the back.
Like another 5 or 6 millennia worth of days.
Well, that’s a relief.
I came this close to ordering that lobster….