Friday, May 30, 2014

My Free Spirit Charges

I used to have a free spirit, but now, like everything else, it charges for anything beyond minimum spirit services.

So basically, unless I pay, all it does is show up, eats my Mallomars and naps all afternoon….


Who needs that?

I mean I can do that all on my own, with or without my spirit.

So I bit the bullet and went for the Nickel Spirit package, which includes 100 Gigs of mirth a month.

I thought about going another 10 bucks and doing the Silver Spirit package, which gives you double that…or possibly even the Gold package, for another 20, which gives you unlimited mirth and actually includes uninhibited joy…but that kind of thing just makes me nervous, not to mention skeptical.

I mean, do I really believe my spirit is capable of uninhibited joy?


I mean have you seen my Christmas party pictures?


Plus, while they claim “unlimited”, everyone knows there’s no such thing.

There’s a limit on everything.

And what would my neighbors think if I suddenly started flitting around with unlimited mirth and uninhibited joy?

Nothing good, I can tell you that.

Plus, I don’t have the clothes for that kind of thing.

So I went with the Nickel.

Despite the attitude I get from my spirit.

“What can you do with just a 100 Gigs of mirth?” my spirit asks, in that condescending way it has.

“I can do plenty!” I respond…although to be honest, I’m not sure what.

“Do you know how much mirth it takes to flirt with that girl at the Taco stand?”

“Uhm…I don’t flirt with—“

“Save it…!  25 Gigs…25 Gigs, just to flirt, which also costs you the extra burrito.  And that doesn’t even include innuendos. Innuendos are gonna cost you another 10 Gigs.”

So my Spirit, free or not, does have a bit of a point…which is odd because you'd think a spirit would be sort of round.

Just kidding…you know…the mirth thing. 

I paid for it, so I do have to use some of it…and the taco stand is out…at least until the next calendar year.

I don’t know…maybe I’ll run barefoot through the park.

Except the last time I did that I ended up with poison ivy all over my feet.

So that wasn’t good.

I couldn’t get anyone to give me a foot rub for a month after that.

I mean you should have seen their faces when I asked.

Like I was asking them to scrub my tongue…again.

But that’s what unlimited mirth gets you.

Odd looks.

Or maybe it’s my Tweety socks…not sure.

All I know is my Tweety socks bring me uninhibited Joy.

Joy's my Looney Tune neighbor down the street, who actually did spring for the Gold Spirit package.

And yes…let me tell you, there is a significant upgrade over the Silver, let alone the Nickel.

I mean Joy has been known to do more than run barefoot through the park.

Sometimes she’ll climb trees and have lunch with the squirrels, too.

And if you think like me—which hopefully you don’t—you know that’s really more nuts than mirth, don’t you?

But were talking about squirrels so they go for that sort of stuff.

And that’s the thing with this whole Free Spirit situation… no matter what package you have…you just don’t care what people think.

Which is kind of the same effect vodka has on me.

So as long as you’re carrying mirth and joy with you—especially Joy—you’re good to go…and let the naysayers spend the day watching the Matlock marathon on Hallmark.

Which is starting in about 15 minutes, so I have to cut this short.

Besides I’ve pretty much used up my 100 gigs of mirth for the month already, on that incident that got me banned from the supermarket.

Don’t ask…but yes…it was worth it….

Hey don’t blame me…blame the Free Spirit upgrade….

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