Friday, May 16, 2014

Things are Happening here in the 21st Century

I’m gonna have to start paying rent for my sewer soon.

Everyone in town is.


I have no choice, because that’s what the powers that decide these things decided.

Truth is I’d rather buy than rent.

Who wants to rent a sewer, anyway?

It just seems like a crappy business to be in.

Okay…I know…that was a cheap shot and way too easy.

But, hey…we are talking about sewers.

And if I rent my sewer, what will I ever get back, in the end.

Wait…that sounds weird too. 

Sewer talk isn’t easy.

Hard to keep it clean.

Because, you know…it’s a sewer.

If I buy my sewer, I would be a lot more willing to spiff it up a bit and maybe flip it for a profit.

Because I have a feeling sewers are going to be in pretty high demand in the future.

Who doesn’t need a sewer?

Hang a nice pair of curtains and some well placed flowers…people will be fighting to put in a bid.

But if I I said…I’m just flushing away good money after bad.

So there’s that….

They actually had a town meeting to discuss the sewer rentals at the senior center, a couple of Wednesdays ago.

You know, because 4:30 on a Wednesday is convenient for everybody.

So there’s that, too…

We’re also having some trouble with the new parking meter system in town.

They pulled out most of the old style parking meters, the kind that sit on a pole, in front of your space, which you put some change into, turn the crank and go off on your way.

Now there’s this new hi-tech system in place that uses wireless technology to expedite the process.

So instead of getting out of your car and having to walk a couple of feet to your meter, you now get to take a stroll down the street, about a half a block or so, if you’re lucky, to seek out the new hi-tech pay station…which may or may not be operational, depending on the weather and what day it is.

If it is operational, then you get to stand in line behind some other poor soul who is trying to figure out how to do the operating.

While you’re standing there, waiting for your turn to look like a dysfunctional idiot, you suddenly remember that you left your wallet in the car, so you walk back, the half a block, which actually turns out to be a fortunate circumstance, because it gives you a chance to meet the traffic control enforcement guy, who’s already giving you a ticket for not having a parking receipt on your dash.

Of course once you do get your chance to somehow pay for your parking, you may or not be able to get a receipt, anyway, depending on the weather, what day it is, and whether or not the printer is working.

However, not to worry, because if you are given a ticket due to a technical error, the village will gladly give you your money back, at least once you go to the newspapers and make an appearance on one of Oprah’s holiday specials, in which you are given the opportunity to plead your case.

Then the village officials will, of course, graciously admit their mistake...or at least the mistake of the systems software provider; because, you know…it has nothing to do with them, other than researching and hiring them in the first place.

But you really can’t blame the village officials—well, you can but it’s frowned upon—because they were pretty busy trying to figure out who should be shoveling the sidewalk around the train station, all winter…you know…instead of actually shoveling it and then figuring out who should pay for it, later.

But they say they’re going to go to court to get a final resolution and, to be honest, their action plan worked out pretty well.  The snow did actually melt by the end of April….

And it’s not like there’s people just standing around on the corner looking for work, or anything.

And even if they were, where’s the money gonna come from…some kind of $40,000 feasibility study to see if it’s feasible to have another study.

Can’t waste that money….

We’re gonna need most of it to build the “Focal Point of the Future”—the entire future—right here in town, on the corner of Now and Forever, which, again, to be honest, is how I imagined that very corner when I was a kid growing up in the “Once Were Nice” apartments in the late 50’s.

Of course I’m talking about our proposed new Municipal Center, which, if built, will house a 21st century courtroom on the top floor that will, also—don’t get too excited—according to the designer, “allow daylight into it and could be lit at night”. Which in itself is pretty futuristic, because we apparently didn’t have windows and lights in the 20th century. 

However, in all fairness, the architect goes on to say, the fact that you’d have to go all the way up to the top floor—otherwise known as the second floor—to get to the actual court, that in itself would make this an “important space, and the most important building in downtown”…other than the Stop and Shop and the movie theatre, of course.

So things are happening in our little village…exciting 21st Century things.

And once we have all these new futuristic systems and facilities in place I really do agree that it could be a “game changer”…and might even allow those who change these things to figure out how to get the sidewalks shoveled, the bulkhead re-built, the old hospital property developed, school taxes lowered, housing enforcement and amnesty fairly enacted, Fire Department staffing in check, criminal evidence stored and secured properly, downtown parking roulette resolved….


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  1. Well done Brian the chuckle factor applies in spite of the wasted gags. I'm really surprised that you didn't add some music. Like 'please release me' or 'River Deep Mountain High'. Eau-deToilet humour is more apt in a 'Newer Sewer'. You should be grateful that they are letting you have a rental contract anyway. Sewers are high maintenance and can really drain your resources.

  2. Maybe you should let it out for adoption. Then you could wash your hands of the entire matter.

  3. I knew somehow this would open things up and release a swirl of comments from the punsters and jokesters. You didn't disappoint. I'm so relieved....


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