The Zombies Have Tools

 

 

 

We’re well into October now and the Zombies across the street are beginning to get busy.

They’ve already started work on the big spook house they put up every Halloween…and this year it looks like they’re planning on going all out.

Not that they really need to do anything at all … their house is pretty spooky as it is.

I mean they’re Zombies…enough said.

But you can’t go telling something like that to a bunch of ambitious Zombies…believe me; I found that out the hard way.

So they’re going all out….

Which I guess is good because it keeps them busy.

The last thing you want this time of year is a bored Zombie wandering into your backyard during a family get together.

Then you’re stuck with them all night, because they just don’t know when to leave.

Their social skills are pretty non-existent…but we’ve covered that before.

Wanting to be neighborly—as is my wont, as well as my want—I wandered across the street to check out what they were up to; something, I have to say, I try to avoid during the hot summer months. Fall’s a much better time to visit the Zombies. The cooler temps and autumnal breeze pretty much dampens the decomp situation; plus, I admit, it’s always entertaining whenever the Zombies do anything that involves tools.

“So I see you’re getting a jump on the season,” I said.

Burt, the only Zombie I actually know by name, because it’s stitched on the remnants of his bowling shirt, turned and smiled…I think…and made some sort of a sound that I took for agreement.

He started pointing towards the side of the house—indicating they were planning on taking whatever it was around the corner and down the driveway, this year—when the hammer flew out of his hand, or more precisely, flew out along with his hand, and knocked one of the other Zombies—who happened to be carrying a 2 x 4 over his shoulder—right in his nose, or right in somebody’s nose…again, I think.

That Zombie then spun around, trying in vain to retrieve what was left of the nose, whereupon he knocked over another pair of Zombies with the 2 x 4, who then wobbled back up and shuffle clumsily down the driveway trying to retrieve some of their own bits and pieces that had gotten away from them.

Burt, watching all this transpire, merely shook the right side of his head, as if to say, “Not my fault…they’re idiots,” which he would have, if his tongue wasn’t stuffed in the pocket of his bowling shirt.

Like I said, the Zombies are always entertaining…but throw tools into the mix and you’ve got a regular Three Stooges situation, plus dismemberment.

Anyway, I’ve learned over the years that all things Zombie, which once might have horrified me, are better left ignored, so I just said, “The leaves are really starting to turn, aren’t they?”

Burt looked up and nodded agreement, seeming to find a kinship in the colorful cycle of decay surrounding us. So much so, he began making a driving motion with his remaining hand, pointed to the leaves, and then at his eyes, one of which had rolled onto my sneaker.

My take on this was, he’d like to go for a drive and do a little leaf peeping.

Again, that’s how I interpreted it, but I could have been wrong, which I have been in the past. Like the time I thought he was asking me to help shovel out his driveway, after that big blizzard a couple of years back, when what he really wanted was for me to help dig up his Uncle Julius, in the back yard.

So you have to be careful.

Luckily, I was spared from making any commitment whatsoever when we were interrupted by a high pitched howling coming from up on the roof. It was one of the Werewolves from down the street, who apparently had whacked himself on the thumb while nailing down a Devils Trap.

Yeah…I know…that sounds pretty strange.  You wouldn’t expect to see a Werewolf working with the Zombies…not given their recent history. But apparently the Zombie Summer Solstice party last June, helped them get past a lot of that old animosity and they’ve since become pretty good friends, which is always nice to see.

Ghouls have a hard enough time fitting in with the regular community as it is, so it’s even worse when they’re at each other’s throats all the time…not to mention the extra clean-up involved for the DPW.

Yeah….

The Werewolf waved his paw, indicating he was okay, to which Burt gave a big thumbs up, which as you can imagine, with Zombies, means…well, I guess you can figure that one out.

Not wanting to be the source of any more distractions, I shook Burt’s remaining hand and bade my goodbyes…which is always hit or miss

I don’t know if you’ve ever shaken hands with a Zombie before, but it can, and often does turn into an uncomfortable situation as you can end up taking the whole thing with you.

Then you’re left with the dilemma of, do I apologize…or merely walk away as if it’s not a big deal and politely leave the hand on a table some place.

I mean, Burt didn’t seem to care. Now he could just spread out under a tree and enjoy the foliage.

You just hope he does it all in one place...let alone one piece….

 

__________________________________


 "Like" the Retorts on Facebook
 
Or just Tolerate them ...if "Like" is too much of a commitment



Follow @FreelanceRetort on Twitter    Tweet


Or subscribe above to receive Retorts by E-Mail

I know...too many options. Probably better to just go back to bed....

 
For the latest Retorts: Click here 


Retort to the Retort – FreelanceRetort@gmail.com

I Wonder

 

It seems to me there should be a lot more watermelon patches than there are.

I mean, pretty much everywhere.

What with all the watermelon seeds spit out into lawns and fields all over the country, way back when…before they somehow mysteriously made all the seeds disappear…whoever they are, that do these things.

My mom’s backyard, alone, should have sprouted a couple of thousand watermelon plants, or bushes—or whatever it is they grow on—since the 60’s.

Spitting out the seeds was the best part of the whole watermelon experience…especially if you were as adept as spitting them for distance as I was.

Plus my accuracy was pretty precise, as well.  I could nail my cousin’s ear from 10 feet, and he never knew what hit him.

So what happened to all those seeds?

You would think some of them would have taken root over the years.

 

And what of all those peach pits we buried on boring, hot summer afternoons,  once we got tired of watching the Little Rascals all morning.

Where are all those peaches trees now?

I wonder….

And are all those dead little turtles still buried under that big apple tree?

And what if those goldfish we flushed down the toilet were really only resting, and not dead at all.

 

 

And were we really saving our mother’s backs by avoiding the all those cracks; the ones that spread all over the sidewalks, back then?

And, if so, did it cross our minds the spinal havoc we could have potentially brought upon all those poor ladies by recklessly playing hop scotch on all those other days when we weren’t busy spitting out watermelon seeds or sending our turtles to their final resting places?

I wonder….

Also, most of us were trying desperately hard not to break any mirrors back then, as well.

Who needed those 7 years of bad luck?

I was already having enough trouble picking the good cards on Candy Land as it was. I didn’t need 7 more years of being perpetually stuck in the Molasses Swamp.

And then there was the matter of opening umbrellas indoors…you know by mistake or something. 

So you were never sure if one of them was going to pop open by accident…and now you’re stuck in the Molasses Swamp until who knows.

Yeah….

Walking under ladders was bad luck too…especially if your dad was up there cleaning the gutters right after hot dogs and beans for lunch.

Just sayin….

And forget about sneezing.  There were so many perils associated with sneezing; it’s no wonder I was constantly pulling my groin muscle trying to hold them in. Either that or bathe in holy water all week.

Sneeze on Monday, sneeze for danger

Sneeze on a Tuesday, kiss a stranger

;
Sneeze on a Wednesday, sneeze for a letter

Sneeze on a Thursday, something better

Sneeze on Friday for sorrow

 

Sneeze on Saturday, see your sweetheart tomorrow

Sneeze on a Sunday, your safety seek. The devil will have you the whole of the week.

 

And who needs that? 

So it’s no wonder—I wonder—why we spent so much time, back then looking for 4 leaf clovers...just to ward of all this potential bad luck that was waiting to swallow us whole.

 

 Of course, should the clover fail, you could always cross your fingers…which, oddly enough, also allowed you to get away with telling fibs.

No lie….

Or you could hang a horseshoe over your door…but only open side up….I think…or is it down.

I wonder…

Also, if you had some wood handy you could knock on that.

Pigeons pooping on your head is also considered good luck, as well as rain on your wedding day.

But I’m thinking that might just be more about people trying to make you feel better about a bad situation.

Like if you get run over by a bus, someone might say,“You know, getting run over by a bus is supposed to be good luck.”

And then I suppose you’d feel better about the odd angle your leg is in.

Especially if you had your apple that day, which should in theory keep the doctor away.

I wonder.

Yes, I wonder.

And even more…I wonder why I wonder….

__________________________________


 "Like" the Retorts on Facebook
 
Or just Tolerate them ...if "Like" is too much of a commitment



Follow @FreelanceRetort on Twitter    Tweet


Or subscribe above to receive Retorts by E-Mail

I know...too many options. Probably better to just go back to bed....

 
For the latest Retorts: Click here 


Retort to the Retort – FreelanceRetort@gmail.com

This is Annoying

 

A lot of things annoy me.

Surprised?

Really?

Well, that’s annoying….

It doesn’t take much to get me going.

Like October...just on principal.

Or the birds…they’re annoying…especially in the morning.

All that singing and tweeting…really?

And the crickets…all night long…even now.

I mean come on…time to pack it in.

How about the sun?

Getting so low in the sky…always shining in my eyes.

Really?

Then there are the drivers who never learned how to use a turn signal.

Who are almost as bad as the drivers that never learned how to turn them off…all day.

Let’s not leave out the high beam drivers.

And the over caffeinated Type-A's that constantly flash at you to turn yours down…even when they’re not on.

Bicyclists are annoying…especially when their spandex bunches.

And don’t get me started on runners…especially the sweaty ones.

Yeah….

Not that the walkers are any better….

Who do they think they’re smiling at?

Which leads me to friendly people in general and all their cheerfulness.

Who needs that, especially on a weekday…especially in the morning.

And aren’t we all getting a little tired of babies…especially the cute ones.

I mean, that whole helpless innocents act is wearing a little thin…

Don’t you think?

Then there are the “Know it all’s”…so annoying.  

You know?

Clueless people…I don’t get it.

Corn niblets…please, I don’t even want to go there.

Lima beans

Chickpeas.

Kale.

Now I went there.

Organ meats.

Organ grinders.

Organ music.

So many things…not enough time.

Which is also annoying.

Did I mention squirrels?

No…?

Squirrels.

Dogs can be annoying…especially the ones that lick your face when you’re sleeping.

Same goes for people.

So annoying….

Like writers who put just about any old thing on a page and think they’ve done something worthwhile.

How annoying is that?

Asking rhetorical questions…annoying.

Answering rhetorical questions…even more so.

Writing rhetorical questions…yeah.

Reading rhetorical questions….need I say it?

I do…really?

That’s more than annoying.

In fact this whole thing has annoyed me.

To no end….

Which this is, anyway.

Annoying….

I know.

But I tried to warn you, right from the start.

But you wouldn’t listen….

Now we’re both annoyed.

Which also annoys me….

Sighhhhhhhh….

__________________________________


 "Like" the Retorts on Facebook
 
Or just Tolerate them ...if "Like" is too much of a commitment



Follow @FreelanceRetort on Twitter    Tweet


Or subscribe above to receive Retorts by E-Mail

I know...too many options. Probably better to just go back to bed....

 
For the latest Retorts: Click here 


Retort to the Retort – FreelanceRetort@gmail.com

It’s fall!

It’s been fall now for almost two weeks and, well…what’re you gonna do?

It’s fall!

It’s fall!

It’s fall!

What’re you gonna do?

What?

I know…get used to it…go with the flow…go with the fall.

It’s fall!

Not that I have anything against fall.

It’s just that it’s not spring, season of hope…let alone summer, season of slack.

It’s fall!

Yeah….

Actually, it’s a pretty nice season…in my top three, as seasons go.

Summer, spring, fall….

I won’t tell you what number 4 is.

In fact, if fall didn’t have such a silly name attached to it, it could possibly move up into the second slot.

I suppose it could have been worse…it could have been called “slip” or “trip”…if we’re going with the clumsy connotations.

Maybe even “plop” or “flop”.

But it’s not…

It’s fall!

And for the most obvious of reasons...it’s the time of year when the leaves fall.

As opposed to spring…when they don’t.

The leaves spring in spring…along with everything else…including my Aunt Sarah, who usually throws out her hip while—well, never mind.

Of course if you don’t care for the name fall…you can always go with the more aristocratic, hoity toity, autumn.

In fact the British use autumn, almost exclusively over fall…even if they’re not particularly hoity toity at all…but just sound that way...you know, because they’re Brits and everything they say sounds hoity toity...even hoity toity….

So you can go down that road, if you prefer…but take your time because that road is probably covered with leaves, by now, and might be a tad slippery…just like my logic.

But whatever you choose to call it…it’s here now, and it’s gonna be here right up until a few days before Christmas.

So there’s that to consider about fall as well.

Fall…or autumn…is home to just about all of the happiest holidays of the year.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Z’s Birthday and the Gaelic festival of Samhain…most of which have nothing at all in common. But if you’re in any way livestock related, you want nothing to do with fall…or the Irish…once Samhain rolls into town.

Just sayin….

And of course, the fall lovers, which you’ll generally find to be of the optimistic, “My glass is half full and I’m happy to have it”, sort—as opposed to the more pessimistic, “My Pina Colada is half empty, so send over another before they run out”, summer folk—love to revel in all the  crisp cool air and bright sunny days; colorful foliage, apples and cider…cider and apples; scarecrows and witches; Turkeys and Pilgrims, standing guard on every lawn, right alongside frosted pumpkins, horns of plenty and even horns of Good & Plenty.

It’s fall!

They shout it on every wind swept street and vibrant mountain trail….

It’s fall!

They hum while they rake and sing while they bake...apple pies, pumpkin pies and holiday family feasts.

They come alive this time of year, these fall loving, autumn huggers, until they wear us down; we the summer, spring and even winter lovers, carrying us over to their side.

For the next three months, there’s no denying it…we might as well throw a log on the fire, face it, embrace it and yeah…even enjoy it.

It’s fall!

So, pass the cider and save me a drumstick…and get the snow shovels ready, while you’re at it

 

 

What? 

I said I’d enjoy it…not be any less pessimistic about it.

It’s fall!

What’re you gonna do?

 

 __________________________________

 "Like" the Retorts on Facebook
 
Or just Tolerate them ...if "Like" is too much of a commitment



Follow @FreelanceRetort on Twitter    Tweet


Or subscribe above to receive Retorts by E-Mail

I know...too many options. Probably better to just go back to bed....

 
For the latest Retorts: Click here 


Retort to the Retort – FreelanceRetort@gmail.com

 

Tag Sales - Autumn Archive of Retort

It's time for Tag Sales....but then again...when isn't it time for Tag Sales.
.

So if you have any recycled junk you want to throw out, just put a price tag on it, roll it out to your lawn, and you're in business...

You might even sell some of it back to the guy you bought it from the week before.....

Speaking of recycled....

From 10/3/11

"Tag Sales"

__________________________________


 "Like" the Retorts on Facebook
 
Or just Tolerate them ...if "Like" is too much of a commitment



Follow @FreelanceRetort on Twitter    Tweet


Or subscribe above to receive Retorts by E-Mail

I know...too many options. Probably better to just go back to bed....

 
For the latest Retorts: Click here 


Retort to the Retort – FreelanceRetort@gmail.com

Where have all the Grownups gone?

 

 

 

I’m tired of just about everyone being younger than me.

Where have all the grown-ups gone?

Who’s in charge here?

Certainly not me.

Nowadays, all I see are baby faces staring back at me.

I stop a police officer—or he stops me—to ask a question, and I’m looking into the face of someone who still uses a razor with a plastic blade.

I greet the mail lady walking up my walk and I confuse her with the Girl Scout cookie girl.

“I’ll take 2 boxes of thin mints…and thanks for dropping off the mail.”

I see my doctor and just before he gives me my blood work results, he gets distracted by a fire engine racing down the street and shouts…

”Nang nang!”

Where have all the grown-ups gone?

Who’s taking care of us?

Even the President and probably most of congress is younger than me…which I guess explains a lot.

“Hey, that was my idea!”

“No it wasn’t!”

“Yes it was!”

“No it wasn’t”

“No fair!”

“Fair!”

I mean, I can recall being concerned when I was old enough to run for president.

“I can’t be president…not unless I can still write my daily “Twin Peaks analysis!”

Now, most of my friend’s kids are old enough to run for president and just might.

You know, once they move out of the house or at least get their own phone plans.

Need to hire someone to keep your back porch from falling down?

Don’t be surprised if he or she shows up with a tool box that says Fisher Price on the side.

On Halloween, make sure you only give candy to the kids…I mean the ones under 5 ft.

Have a question about the new Super HD-3D,  Internet TV you want to buy…feel free ask the in the in house tech expert, but make sure his mom says it’s okay.

 

Truth is, I really don’t have any sort of problem with any of these “young” people being in positions of authority. I mean, I can respect anyone who is knowledgeable and approaches their job in a serious, professional, conscientious manner…and can sing the theme song from Gilligan’s Island by heart…both versions…without Goggling it on their smart phones…or watches…or glasses….

Is that too much to ask?

The world has always revolved around the young, and the young are the ones who open our eyes to everything that’s been staring us in the face forever, but we’ve been too set in our ways to see.

Except when they're binge watching “Orange is the New Black” on Netflix.

Then you have to wait.

But after that, they’ll approach the world with fresh perspectives and attitudes that allows us all to evolve as a people…the same as we did when we were the “young ones” and all the old farts ahead of us were constantly knocking our new ideas and questioning our readiness for authority.

And I still say everyone would be wearing portable beverage dispensers on their back by now if only that misanthropic stone aged, Luddite had listened to me 35 years ago!

Okay…I’m digressing a bit so I better just leave well enough alone.  Let all the young folks sort it out.  After all, they’re the ones with the time…at least until happy hour starts.

I’m going to go practice taking more selfies…I almost have it down.

My 12 year old selfie master tells me I only look like half a nerd, now…..

 __________________________________


 "Like" the Retorts on Facebook
 

Or just Tolerate them ...if "Like" is too much of a commitment



Follow @FreelanceRetort on Twitter    Tweet


Or subscribe above to receive Retorts by E-Mail

I know...too many options. Probably better to just go back to bed....

 

For the latest Retorts: Click here 


Retort to the Retort – FreelanceRetort@gmail.com

 

Headache…What a Pain

 

When it comes to pain, I have a pretty high threshold.

I mean, you could be in terrible, blood curdling pain and I’d be okay with it.

Would barely get squeamish.

In fact I could probably disregard your pain altogether, once I offered my perfunctory concern and condolences.

Unless you were making a lot of whiny noises, or worse, screaming a whole lot, in which case I might get a little annoyed.

But don’t worry…at that point I would pretty much just leave the room and try to find someone who could actually carry on an intelligent conversation…you know, without all the grunting.

I’m just lucky that way.

However, when it comes to my own pain, I’m not quite the pillar of strength and stoicism you would imagine.

I know…weird, huh?

Which is why I’m laid up at the moment with this nasty headache.

Yeah…I know…it was kind of touch and go for a while.

I could barely drag myself to the keyboard…but I did it for you.

That’s just how I am.

And who would have guessed that there are so many possible causes of headaches…although brain boring beetles are not one of them….I checked.

That was my first guess and fear, so you can imagine I was a little relieved once they were excluded…at least for now.

And when I say relieved, I mean as relieved as you can be while curled up in a fetal position, shuddering in what I can only describe as a real headache.

Especially for Z, who had to drag me out from under the bed.

Okay, sure…maybe she did tweak her back a little in the process and might have a little difficulty standing up for a few days…but that I can deal with.

Besides, Z rarely complains about her own aches and pains…just mine.

She’ll say things like, “If you don’t stop whimpering about that little bitty pain in your head, I’ll fix it so you can’t feel anything up there at all!”

And since she’s a nurse and has seen more than her share of life threatening situations, I always take her at her word concerning things like that.

Besides, I couldn’t really ask her to give up a whole day of work, saving lives and advancing the state of mankind, just to fix my headache...again.

So I only asked if she would adjust my IV before she left, and check to make sure there was enough oxygen in the tank to get me through the day.

Not that she heard me…not over all the doors slamming that followed her on the way out to the car.

But since I’m not one to complain…too much…I figured I could man up…at least until 10.

But, man up or not, this headache of mine is really doing a number on me.

And if I hadn’t passed out I might not have made it even until 9.

But I did, and once I came to I was relieved to find out that all the moisture I was laying in was only the ice bag, leaking again. 

So there was that.

And I know what you must be thinking.

What a big baby…you’d think he never had a headache before.

Well, for your information, I rarely do get headaches, so when I am afflicted, it’s pretty much of a big deal for me.

So to help get through the ordeal, I’m trying to take my impaired mind off of it by searching for possible reasons why it reared its ugly throbbing head in the first place.

And since the brain boring beetles were already excluded, I started by looking at the most likely tension causing, stress producing reasons currently going on in my life.

Obviously, the first thing I thought of was this whole situation with Alex Trebek growing his mustache back. I mean why now, after all this time, when it took some of us years to get used to him without it?

So that’s something to consider.

Then there’s the Derek Jeter retirement scenario, which is everywhere. Has he really planned for the future and put enough away in his 401K to just stop working at the age of 40?  Is he going to be okay, or are we going to find him wandering the streets in ten years, asking if we want our windshield cleaned?

I’m worried…you know?

And what about the new Fall TV season that’s just kicking off?  I mean do we really need another NCIS show?

Or a Batman show without Batman?

And what’s Steve Buscemi going to do once Boardwalk Empire wraps up?

And can Scandal really get any more Scandalous?

Will The Black List’s Liz and Red ever resolve their difference and finally have a normal Thanksgiving?

I mean who can tell?

Certainly not me…not with this constant thumping in my brain.

Oh, man…I gotta go. My headache’s getting worse instead of better.

I hope the EMS guys are a little more understanding this time than they were a few hours ago.

 __________________________________


 "Like" the Retorts on Facebook
 
Or just Tolerate them ...if "Like" is too much of a commitment



Follow @FreelanceRetort on Twitter    Tweet


Or subscribe above to receive Retorts by E-Mail

I know...too many options. Probably better to just go back to bed....

 

For the latest Retorts: Click here 


Retort to the Retort – FreelanceRetort@gmail.com