Monday, July 18, 2011

The One Bathroom House & Other Freelance Rules

We live in a one bathroom house.

Yeah…tell me about it.

Actually we have a toilet in the basement too; but that’s only useful when we have Mexican food the night before.

Living in a one bathroom house is not without its challenges…especially in the morning, Mexican food or not. 

Leading a normal fulltime worker person existence, Z is usually up way before I am.  But sometimes I get a bug of an idea in my head…or a snake as Z calls them, and I drag myself out of bed to scratch it down before I forget it.

That’s when the fun ensues. We’ve been known, Z and I, to throw an elbow or two in search of morning relief.  Usually this involves a body hitting the floor, but rarely is there a lot of bloodshed.  And once I pick myself up, I’m usually good to go...if you know what I mean.

I guess the thing that I failed to realize was, that in all this time, there was a schedule for bathroom usage. I was not aware of this schedule since I was mostly asleep at the time.

Apparently I’m scheduled once hell freezes over, or when Z leaves the house, whichever comes first. I usually know when Z leaves the house because the slamming of the front door rattles the bedroom windows, which is a good indicator.

It’s not that Z isn’t a morning person; it’s just that she not a “share the bathroom with your hubby” morning person.

But who is?
Aside from the obvious bathroom etiquette—stay away—did I mention ALWAYS lowering the seat on the toilet?  Believe me, no one likes having to call the fire department for toilet extractions, early in the morning…even if it did happen only once…okay twice, but I still say that was an over reaction

There are other considerate things the stay at home freelance worker person can do to create a harmonious marital relationship. 

The first is always make the bed, at least when you get out of it…at least before 5PM.

No fulltime worker person likes to come home to an unmade bed, especially one with the freelance worker person still in it.

Number two is…never leave your dirty dishes in the sink.  Either wash them yourself or hide them in the dishwasher, if not under the dog.
AND…make sure you do ALL the dishes, not just the ones you dirtied.  Take it from me…that can sometimes lead to trouble, even though I have yet to get a reasonable explanation why. 

Number three, DO NOT go through the mail and open anything of interest…particularly greeting cards…specifically holiday cards or birthday cards or anything that looks like it wasn’t sent by the Unabomber.  Don’t ask me why…just DON’T DO IT!

Number 4…if you have a dog, make sure you walk it…frequently. If you don’t have a dog…walk one anyway…any dog…just in case. 

Cover your bases people!

Number five…if you’re really looking to make some brownie points and possibly buy yourself some breathing room for future transgressions…do the laundry.  That’s the pile of dirty clothes that usually collects under your bed and on your closet floor.  Just make sure you don’t mix up the washer and dryer.  The washer does not need a garden hose to fill up with water. The dryer does not have a place to fill with detergent. 

What…like it couldn’t happen?  To a perfectly intelligent human being…it couldn’t happen?

And finally…put on some pants before the fulltime worker person comes home; at least some underpants.

And most importantly of all the rules…NEVER…NEVER…yawn.

And then you should be fine…

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