Since I’ve been on the topic of impending summer, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the Zombies Across the Street.
I mean, like most people, when I think summer, I can’t help but think Zombie.
Goes without saying.
So Z and I were out digging in the garden over the weekend when one of the aforementioned Zombies shuffles over to our front yard.
Z’s still tends to get a little wary when the Zombies just show up out of the blue, and especially if they just show up out of the mist…which is a little creepy even for me.
Actually, we had no idea it’d been standing there, because this was the one who tends to shuffle around much more quietly than the others, mostly because he lost most of his nose some time back, and he doesn’t wheeze as loudly as some of them tend to do.
“Eeeeek!,” Z squeaked, when she spied his dirty shoe in the grass…which, to be honest, while impolite, wasn’t really Z’s fault since his foot was still in the shoe while the rest of him was further over, a few more feet away…most of which weren’t even his feet.
“Hey…uh, you.” I said quickly, hoping to cover Z’s embarrassing faux paux. “How’s it hanging?”
OMG, I thought—yes, I think in text acronyms now—I couldn’t believe I’d just said that since what was left of his nose was actually still hanging there.
Talk about throwing gas on the fire, which is not something Zombies appreciate under any circumstances.
I could see I had hurt his feelings by the way that he dropped his head…which then rolled across the lawn.
I know…I should have picked it up and handed it back to him, but I wasn’t sure if it was my place, so I looked over to Z for some Zombie etiquette, but all I got was a shrug before she turned away and returned to her digging.
The good thing was, it wasn’t even his head, so I could still make eye contact…with both he and the head, which we tried to ignore…you know, to lessen the awkwardness of the situation.
The Zombie pointed towards the neat line of Begonias and Vincas Z was inserting across the front of the garden.
Again, I was hesitant to comment since I wasn’t sure if he was admiring them or asking to eat them…so I just said, “Looks like it’s going to really start warming up around here, pretty soon. I hear it’s going to be in the high 80s over the weekend…real beach weather!”
The Zombie groaned—again, not something you’re hoping for when conversing with a Zombie, but something that occurs more often than not…especially with this Zombie.
Then he began shaking his head—his own, not the one looking up from the lawn, which I was hoping he’d pick up since if you leave them there too long, they tend to burn out the grass.
Of course, now I remembered how the Zombies tend to wilt in the heat and the sun, way more than the rest of us, with or without air-conditioning.
Actually, I’m being more than kind by saying “wilt”, because as you would expect it’s way worse than wilting.
More like…well, you know….
Z saw I was just getting in deeper and deeper with the Zombie, so she stood up and said, “Why don’t I bring us all out some ice tea…how’s that sound to everybody?
“Great,” I said…and hoping to add a little levity to the situation, I added, “Make sure to bring out an extra glass for the head!”
But the Zombie didn’t react, one way or the other to my lame attempt at humor, which, while a little disappointing, was also not uncommon, especially in the middle of the afternoon. Then, as if suddenly remembering why he had lumbered over in the first place, the Zombie reached into his jacket pocket, which is always a little startling because you can never sure what, or who, he might pull out.
But to my surprise it was an invitation to their very own Zombie Summer Solstice party they had decided to throw this year.
Surprise because last year when I asked them if they could fill in for the Druids at my own party, they didn’t seem all that receptive to the idea. Apparently, Zombies and Druids have some sort of weird history that goes way back.
I suppose I should have known that, but as I'm constantly discovering, there is a lot more to the Zombies than meets the eye…which, again, kind of makes me more than a little wary because—not to be rude—what actually meets the eye, when confronting a Zombie, is not all that pleasant in the first place.
“Oh…I said. “I see you’ve decided to embrace the summer, this year…excellent!”
The Zombie gave me one of those, if you can’t beat em join em shrugs…I think. I mean, it could have meant anything—with Zombies, who can tell—but that’s how I took it.
“Well, that’s great…I mean as long as you also embrace some sunscreen with an added moisturizer, as well,” I kidded.
Which, again, was a dumb thing to say, since…have you ever seen a Zombies skin…I mean, really…up close?
I was hoping Z was almost ready with that ice tea, when the Zombie abruptly turned around and began shuffling back across the street.
That’s just how it is with Zombies most of the time…all business and not a lot of small talk, so I wasn’t all that surprised.
“Hey, don’t forget your head!” I shouted after him, although I knew he wasn’t coming back, at least not today. He was already on to another house.
“Great”, I muttered to myself. “Now I have to get rid of another Zombie head…”
But that’s what you get when you befriend Zombies…a lot of self-centered, eccentric behavior.
However, in the end, the good usually outweighs the bad…I mean if you discount all the carnage and brain eating behavior.
They really can be a lot of fun…under the right conditions.
So I’m thinking this might be a pretty good party….especially if they bring back that DJ from last Christmas.
Zombies are actually pretty good dancers.
More From the Archive of Zombie Retort
If you enjoy the Retort, please click "Like" on the FLR Facebook Page.
If you don't like it, please click the same button...but with a negative attitude.
Or you can just
Tolerate the Retorts on Facebook if "Like" is too much of a commitment